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  • Hi Del thank you so much for taking the time to read and to provide such insightful comments which really means a lot to me as the original draft for this was created at the start of this year and I decided to look into it again in order to complete this month’s prompt. I agree that there is too much here to be crushed into this wordcount and at…[Read more]

  • Hi Bronwen John thanks so much for reading and I’m thrilled you found it compelling and could see the darkness of her mind as this was one of my chief goals. Thanks again.

  • Hi Randy thanks for taking the time to read and comment and I really appreciate everything you have to say about my story. I agree that I could have dwelt on certain things more and I did limit myself a little due to the wordcount and this was in fact half this length when I first created the idea at the start of this year. I love your idea of…[Read more]

  • Hi Michael thank you so much for taking the time to read and feel really constructive critique. Yes you are right that at times the tenses don’t match thank you for pointing that out. This was actually a short story that I work till I’m at the start of the year and simply added to and rearranged a bit in order to fit this month’s prompt due to not…[Read more]

  • Dying for Friendship by Amy Trakos
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    Kerry pretends not to have noticed her popularity at school but she’s my best friend so I know she loves it. I also know that the girls are only paying her attention because h […]

    • Hi Amy,

      What a horrible childhood she had! However, given her attitude to friendship, I think she ended up in the place she deserved, even if she did quite like it.

      Your writing on this piece confused me a little since it read a bit like a diary or a confession but the tenses didn’t match all the way through – something to take another look at perhaps. If I were you, I would set the story at the end, time-wise, and have it as though she’s telling the story of her life to someone else, perhaps a psychiatrist. This would make the wording easy to sort.

      However, I really think that you’ve got the kernel of a fantastic film script here, it’s very visual, spans a life and involves a good array of interesting characters. I’d love to read that version one day.

      M

      • Hi Michael thank you so much for taking the time to read and feel really constructive critique. Yes you are right that at times the tenses don’t match thank you for pointing that out. This was actually a short story that I work till I’m at the start of the year and simply added to and rearranged a bit in order to fit this month’s prompt due to not being able to write very well at the moment. I really like the idea of having this as a talk to a psychiatrist. That would also enable me to start from the end and to slowly reveal things as I go forward. I am so thrilled you think this would make a good film script as this is something I have always wanted to try. Perhaps it would make a good short film and at least setting it out in this way would enable me to delve further into it as it is definitely a piece that I’m going to work on further now, due to the reactions from people. I think I will do some experimenting with it as it is an idea I like and have faith in. Thank you so much again.

    • Good story outlining the thinking of a sociopath. I like the twist in the end, where she knew what she was doing. It might have been good to dwell on that a bit more, and the thinking as she started the fire. It’s good she gets to live in an institution, where she doesn’t have to worry about the stresses of interaction, or the compulsory need to burn others. (She probably still has that, but it’s more contained.)

      I thought you did a good job with peering through the MC’s eyes, seeing the world the way she would.

      Writing this as an epistolary might have been a better choice to help break the narrative up, provide context of time, and help the arc show through a bit better.

      I enjoyed the story, but it was a bit dark. Thanks for sharing it.

      Randy

      • Hi Randy thanks for taking the time to read and comment and I really appreciate everything you have to say about my story. I agree that I could have dwelt on certain things more and I did limit myself a little due to the wordcount and this was in fact half this length when I first created the idea at the start of this year. I love your idea of writing it as an epistolary and this is something I have always wanted to try so this seems like the perfect opportunity to do so! Thank you so much again for your time and your feedback which I will act on now as the comments here have inspired me to take another relook at this piece.

    • Loved the intimacy with the darkness of this sociopaths mind giving a very visual and compelling story. Thank you so much for sharing

      • Hi Bronwen John thanks so much for reading and I’m thrilled you found it compelling and could see the darkness of her mind as this was one of my chief goals. Thanks again.

    • Blimey – dark stuff here – and very readable as a result. This would work better as a longer story I think – there is too much to be crushed into 1800 words (unless a lot of other detail is taken out and I think that would be a shame).
      I had a little bit of confusion as to who was ‘her dad’ (the baby’s or Kerry’s) and a general tidy up of people and actions would help (possibly a few too many people mentioned for this length of story). Another possibility would be the defining of the era – Kerry is modern name and she has dvd players etc and at the end the MC has aged to 88 and yet it all seems to be in the same era – some futuristic props could perhaps add more definition.
      I loved the descriptive passages especially ‘sounds that pierced my unpierced ears’ etc. ‘cigarette and old food smells linger like ghosts’ – superb imagery.
      With a bit of reworking, I think this story has huge potential. Evocative title and sums up the prompt perfectly.

      • Hi Del thank you so much for taking the time to read and to provide such insightful comments which really means a lot to me as the original draft for this was created at the start of this year and I decided to look into it again in order to complete this month’s prompt. I agree that there is too much here to be crushed into this wordcount and at the start of the year this place was only 1000 words due to a prompt and specified wordcount I had been given. The Dad was referring to her friends Kerry’s dad and the baby was unrelated and living in the flat above but I may actually take this baby secrion out of the story in order to concentrate more on the effects on her friend’s (and her!) life. I love what you say about the defining of the area and have already come up with some ideas for what a Care Home might look like in about the year 2050. I’m really glad you enjoyed the imagery which is something I always try to work on. Thanks to your comments I am going to work hard right now on making this into a longer short story so thank you for the motivation.

  • Hello Will thank you for taking the time to read. I recently read a really good article about the use of formatting when it comes to short stories of this sort of length, about how you can make them stand out more by how they look on the page/screen!

  • Thanks a lot Athina for reading and commenting.

  • Thank you so much Susan for your wonderful comments they have really blown me away. I’m so glad that you enjoyed it especially as you don’t like waiting for Godot. It is also not one of my favorites but I found it an interesting opportunity to utilise it here. Thank you so much again for taking the time to read and comment.

  • Hi Anusuya, thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my story. Ted was her late husband but I can understand that he could be seen as being her other son which I hadn’t thought about. Thank you for your comments on the long sentence that is also food for thought.

  • Hi Peggy thanks so much for reading and commenting on my story. Jean wasn’t actually putting her make up on, only rifling through her make up bag and taking out only the lipstick (to take with her). She sees herself as a ghost as she knows she is nearing death and is pale (which I didnt make too evident). I’m so glad you enjoyed the descriptions…[Read more]

  • Thank you so much for reading and for your lovely comments. Im especially glad you liked the ending as I did want it to be a little uplifting and yes my idea was that shes off to a hospice but I havent made that entirely clear so could easily be a nursing home. Thanks so much again!

  • Hi Amrita I’m so glad you enjoyed it and felt for the mc. Thanks so much for reading and for your lovely comments.

  • Thanks so much for reading and commenting Athina.

  • Thanks so much for reading and your positive comments Charles!

  • A great story full of suspense and a story arc which is no mean feat for a piece of 300 words! Flows so well and kept me hooked and reading as quickly as I could to find out the ending! Well done.

  • This is hilarious and I laughed out loud many times! How you have managed to make something so fairytale like into a great read for adults is really something! I doubt there is any other story as original as this one for this prompt! I enjoyed it so much, I am about to read it again! I think you could adopt this approach for other fairytales and…[Read more]

  • Charles, I couldn’t help but read your story out loud to myself and the way you portrayed this accent made me hooked from the outset, and made the piece flow as smoothly as a work of poetry I thought. It seems you have delved into a deep place of imagination for this one and the result is that it screams to be read more than once! Well done!

  • Amrita, I was so shocked by the ending of this story! What started as a gentle and innocent take on elderly clients with lipstick turned into horror! Really well done for managing to put in such an epic story arc with such a short word count! Your story also seems quite symbollic of the modern day lengths people go to in the name of beauty and…[Read more]

  • I really enjoyed this fast paced and imaginative story and was left very surprised by the ending! It also made me want to know so much more abput both of them which I think is a true of any great short story. Well done!

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Amy Trakos

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@amy-trakos

active 2 months, 1 week ago
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