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  • Hi Stella,

    This could be developed into an interesting piece. A story about a person with multiple personalities would be interesting to write.

    Two things I liked:
    ·      Good dialogue. Jasmine has a strong voice and is interesting to read.
    ·      Good differentiation between all the multiple personalities.

    Two things to c…[Read more]

  • Hi Randy,

    This is the start of an interesting story.

    Two things I liked:
    ·      The battle scene has lots of tension and conflict. It maintains interest quite well.
    ·      Lots of description that appeals to the senses.

    Two things to consider:
    ·      I found the first few paragraphs confusing. As you’re building a world, perhaps intr…[Read more]

  • Hi Mike,

    Two things I liked:

    • It’s a circus side-show story. I have a soft spot for these. I find circuses intriguing, full of situations where reality and fantasy merge. You have the start of this combining the mind-reader with an alien. This could be an intriguing story.
    • The skeptical audience is well described. Their dialogue is realistic. I…

    [Read more]

  • Patrick commented on the post, Sod It by nsbnina 2 months ago

    Hi Nsbina,
    Two things I liked:

    • a good strong narrative voice
    • interesting characters. The voice describes the characters well. It’s a fun and interesting read

    Two things to consider:

    • I thought the ending leaves you hanging. It’s a personal anecdote. For me, the story needs more of an arc. Sula loses her brother. Then what? How she deals with that…

    [Read more]

  • The Saturday Night Massacre by Patrick Van Mil
    #

    Richard Nixon changed my love life.

    Sitting alone and isolated in the Oval Office of the White House, he obsessed over the tape recordings of his conversations […]

  • Hi Randy,
    A very funny story. I like the contrast between the young super-intelligent enfant-terrible and his baby attachment to his mother’s breasts. “I want my booby-snacks!” Funny!
    Good description of the boy and his feelings and the mother’s distress in choosing to stop the boy from breast-feeding. She gives into his protests but you know…[Read more]

  • Hi Nsbnina,
    This is a good start to a BIG story. Perhaps too much for a small 500-word story. There’s so much going on.
    I liked some of the description very much: “Icicles and paperwhites and sometimes there were promises”;”The room filled with broken glass and women wailing”. Both very evocative and moving.
    The way I read it, I understood the…[Read more]

  • Hi Mike,
    I, too, enjoyed the sensory detail in the story. Also, I liked the close 3rd person POV of the narrator. It did vary a bit, and got a bit too distant from the character, particularly in the section describing the rain. When the character is in the bar and drunk and confused, the language and diction really shows that. The sensory section…[Read more]

  • Hi Caitlin,
    I enjoyed the description of the POV character, Meghan. You get a real sense of her tension and worry. The extra description of coffee adds sensory detail: bitter taste, caffeine tension. All good.
    I needed to read through it a couple of times to get the characters straight. I was a bit confused about Thomas vs Jonathan Posey.
    I…[Read more]

  • Access Denied by Patrick Van Mil
    #

    Bartosz is writing a story. It is not going well. Every word, every scene collapses into a dead end.

    Something stymies him. Bartosz does not know why, but he never finishes his […]

  • Thanks for the encouragement, Peggy!

    Good to know that this site has helped you.

    Cheers,

    Patrick

  • Thanks for your comments, Mike.

    Good for you for doing the short story challenge two years running.

    Cheers,

    Patrick

  • Thanks for the comments, Stella.
    Your suggestions on length and conflict are useful.
    Cheers,
    Patrick

  • Stella and Profile picture of PatrickPatrick are now friends 3 months ago

  • Here are my goals. Let me know what you think.

    Cheers,

    Patrick

    Finish a short story 

    This is the big one! I have a real problem with finishing stories. They all seem to peter out, go nowhere. Then I start […]

    • kHi Patrick

      Wow, way to beat yourself up right at the start, haha.
      I think 12 Stories will help you with number one where you are limited to a word count of between maybe 100 words to 2500 words in any given submission.
      Not sure if you have tried this but your conflict may be more manageable if you create an antagonist that will cause an adverse situation. I do believe that writing from your own experiences adds the juice to a situation. You just sometimes need to add a few sprinkles and colour.
      Please keep in mind that I too am still very much an amateur writer who has tried to cram every bit of information regarding writing I can over the past few months and believe me the internet is a bottomless cup of it. The biggest problem is my old(er) brain doesn’t seem to soak in as much as it used to anymore.
      The problem I am having with my submissions on the ’12 Stories’ is that I try to make a personal connection with my characters and know where they are going and what they were doing. However, the reader doesn’t, therefore, sometimes causing them confusion.
      I wish you all the best moving forward. Keep on writing and getting your submissions done.
      Glad to be able to take this journey of ‘Writing the Crap out of it’, with you.
      Regards
      Stella

      • Thanks for the comments, Stella.
        Your suggestions on length and conflict are useful.
        Cheers,
        Patrick

    • Lots of detail in your goals.

      I’ve done the 12 Short Stories for going on two years now. Missed a couple when other things interfered. Some good, some meh. But lots of fun and good practice. Some commenters will give you advice on improvements or maybe a ‘good story’, liked the characters’ .

      Hope to see all of us on this quest get better.

      • Thanks for your comments, Mike.

        Good for you for doing the short story challenge two years running.

        Cheers,

        Patrick

    • Welcome to the site and the group, Patrick! This will be my third year doing 12SS and I can tell you how nervous I was posting my first story. It was the first short story I had written since high school (some 30+ years ago), and I worried it wouldn’t be any good. And maybe it wasn’t, but I got some excellent feedback and, more importantly, awesome encouragement that allowed me to continue writing; and in doing so, to grow and learn and, I think, become a better writer. This is a safe place to share your work, as the #1 rule is always to be kind, and you will find that we are. I look forward to working through the exercises with you, and, when your ready, to read your monthly submissions for the prompts.

    • Love these goals, Patrick! Especially finishing things. Its easy to start new projects, but never easy to finish them. I joined the 12-stories challenge in January and I have gained so much confidence as a writer (even though I am definitely still a very green beginner) and I’m hoping this challenge pushes me to learn even more – and finish more projects! I look forward to learning with you on this journey.

  • Hi Marilyn,
    Writing a story to fit a word count will be a tough one for me! I’ve always just let the story work its way to its own length…and ramble… and wind.. and finally peter itself out. Perhaps, though difficult, the added discipline will make the story better, more exact, more readable.

    You have good goals. Good luck with them…[Read more]

  • Hi Jennifer,

    Like you, I need to include more conflict in my writing. A couple of books on my list to help me are “Understanding Conflict” by Janice Hardy and “Elements of Fiction: Conflict & Suspense” by James Scott Bell.

    I hope you reach your goals of entering a contest and submitting something for publication. I’d like to do that…[Read more]

  • Hello Sudha,
    Comedy and dialogue are great goals to focus on. Sharpening both can add lots to your writing. Wish I’d thought of that!

    I hope you follow through on your goals and reach the ultimate goal of writing a novel someday.

    Cheers,

    Pat

  • Patrick commented on the post, My goals by Stella 3 months ago

    Hi Stella,

    My wife is also an artist and, if you’re anything like her, then I envy you your energy and creativity. From your picture and text, I think you immerse yourself in lots of projects!
    Time is a challenge! Funny how we can procrastinate and then complain about not having time to do things like write. I know that if I reduce my YouTube…[Read more]

  • Patrick's profile was updated 3 months ago

Patrick

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active 2 months ago
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